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This appeared in Mumbai Mirror....
Why jeans matter more than genes to women…
Let’s face it… most Indian women ( I instantly include myself) are hip heavy. We prefer to call our body type by slightly more flattering names, insisting we are blessed with ‘child bearing’ pelvic girdles. This is utter rubbish, of course. I mean just look at Victoria Beckham’s unreal proportions (damn her genes and jeans). Here’s a woman who has produced four gorgeous babies phataphat.And is a size minus zero. Closer to home, there’s our very own desi Posh, the luscious, lissome Shilpa Shetty ( for proof, check her out on the cover of the latest Hello! with toddler Viaan on her hip). Look at those dangerous curves. So… out goes that silly child bearing hips theory. Popping out multiple babies is not connected to the dimensions of ones girth, especially that annoying ‘hippy’ statistic. And since we are at that time of the year ( summer vacations), when women across the world want their bods to be bikini-perfect, let’s not get too ambitious for now and just stick to the jeans crisis. Bikinis can wait. Last year’s favourite denims no longer fit, right? But they are still there in your closet, teasing and taunting you to try them on. You don’t dare, because you know the awful truth. Deep within your heart, you have accepted defeat. But you refuse to admit it.Finally,you resign yourself to what the mirror is shouting out at you, and shame- facedly settle for track pants ( how I hate them!), telling yourself, it’s fine to travel in tracks….if Katrina Kaif can, you can. Idiotic reasoning. I mean… have you seen Katrina’s toned butt? It gets worse. You start digging for still older pairs that are hidden inside the deep recesses of your closet.Surely, you’ll find something that fits? No?? Then why are all those discarded jeans still there? Aha… ha ha ha … because you live in hope! You are convinced ‘one day’ you will be back in shape and able to squeeze into them! Those perfect denims are a symbol of desperation and aspiration. You hang on to them. You cling! Because you are a true believer in your own will power. Besides, you hate throwing away a “perfectly good pair of hardly worn jeans!” Obviously, you have never paid close attention to Shakira’s mega hit ‘Hips don’t lie.” Please…. take a good look at her booty…. and go die! Huge, yes. But worth a million bucks – literally!
Giving up on your hips is the worst thing a woman can do. Give up on other body parts if you must, but not those hips. Remember, not even the best constructed gown or clingy saree can effectively camouflage love handles. If you have them, you have them. That’s the time to blame it all on genes. Stare at old, faded photographs, fondly remember your granny (‘naani ki yaad’ gets a new spin), reconstruct the family tree … and console yourself. What can you do if you are unlucky enough to be born into a family of women with generous hips? I made my uneasy peace with this particular problem a long time ago. Someone smart advised, “Sit on your base and look after your face.’’ I was forty at the time. Sensible advice, I like to think. There are some unflattering home truths that need to be accepted with grace. What’s the big deal? Yes, you should continue with your daily work out, eat sensibly, drink lots of water, sleep well…. blah ,blah,blah. But should a couple of inches ( okay… more than a couple) ruin a much needed summer break? Never! Should you chuck those old jeans? Never! They are motivational and needed. They tell you what even best friends don’t. You hate them for it. Fine. But it’s key to pay attention. And lose weight. Oh… not rightaway! After the vacations will do. And while you are out there, shopping cheek-by-jowl with ladies who could be Posh… or Shilpa, don’t despair . Move as far away from them as possible and search for jeans that really, really s-t-r-e-t-c-h from Milan to Mumbai. Or stick to caftans. About those bitchy beach babes staring pointedly at your derriere…. Honey, hasn’t anybody told you about the ultimate izzat savers also known as sarongs???